Diving Through Pain

"One of the images I keep in my head when faced with challenges or pain in life is of a giant wave coming towards me. I could run from it and be pummeled and by the wave. Instead I face it and dive through it. And on the other side it is calm and peaceful. Then another one comes and I dive through it again. I learn to dive through many waves of pain.  Then another one comes and I learn to ride it." -Maili

photography David Pu'u

J O Y

Dear Recipe Testers,

I have redesigned the blog in hopes that past recipes will be easier to find.  Please let me know what you think:

http://themailifiles.blogspot.com/

Also, as many of you may know I am sadly going through a divorce after 20 years of marriage.  It has been a tremendous time of growth and learning.  I think divorce is horrible for children and believe deeply that every effort should be made to prevent it.  If that effort has been made then I believe it is best for the children to go through the divorce with grace and peace.  It is the greatest challenge not to let bitterness or anger or any of those negative feelings enter into what I describe as a "Natural Disaster."  Since a divorce feels much like an earthquake or a house burning down.  The "world as you knew it" has now radically changed.  But beauty, grace and blessings do abound if you look for them.  After Christmas I will write more about the HOW of going through a divorce with Grace and Peace.  It involves a lot of prayer and journaling and compassion.  A willingness to rise above and do the best that you can.  And while this is best for the children it is also best for you.

I realized when redesigning the blog that there are many articles about my former husband as well as pictures of our family.  I have decided to leave those as they were when I wrote them because they were true at the time.  I don't want current circumstances to alter them since they were written with sincere feelings.  As I explained to my children, I will keep all the happy memories from the time with their dad but for now it is best decision that we go forward with the divorce.  

I know a lot of you are going through really trying times in your life right now.  I want to share this passage that was sent to me.  I also want to emphasize the incredible importance of gratitude prayers.  There were often times that I prayed for peace in my heart or comfort but I have found the most powerful prayers of all are "gratitude prayers."  I was just talking on Monday with Kara.  For those of you who have followed the email list for a while, you will remember that Kara's daughter, Joele, died of a rare form of Nieman-Pick AB at age four, just after Jeanette died of cancer.  Kara was explaining to me the importance of gratitude prayers and how truly important they are in your worst moments, when you are the least grateful.  I will tell you that during one very hard time I said many prayers of gratitude, praise and thanksgiving at 4:00 in the morning.  I can't being to tell you the difference it made in my life the following day and that i actually let me sleep.  

Then interestingly enough that following day, Robert Jones, emailed me and said he needed to return the book HERE IF YOU NEED ME by Kate Braestrup.  I had forgotten all about it.  I bought the book at the bookstore the moment Jeanette died.  Just after I found it, I got the text that Jeanette had died.  The book is very comforting and it's basically about us all being there for each other.  The authors husband died in a car accident when they still had three young children.  The book describes that God is present when we are there for each other during their difficult times and that through these efforts small and large miracles occur.  The timing of him returning the book was like getting a big hug and another wonderful reminder about gratitude.  It in fact seemed like yet another one of those Divine coincidences or small miracles.

‎"But then, a grateful heart beats in a world of miracles. If I could only speak one prayer for you, my children, it would be that your hearts would not only beat but grow even greater in gratitude, that your lives, however long they prove to be and no matter how they end, continue to bring you miracles in abundance."
-Kate Braestrup

I was also sent the below that I found very encouraging.  I've read it over and over again.

LEAN INTO IT:

In life, we think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem. The real truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together for a time, then they fall back apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that.

Personal discovery and growth come from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

Suffering comes from wishing things were different. Misery is self inflicted, when we are expecting the “ideal” to overcome the “actual,” or needing things (or people, or places) to be different for us so we can then be happy.

Let the hard things in life break you. Let them effect you. Let them change you.
Let these hard moments inform you. Let this pain be your teacher. The experiences of your life are trying to tell you something about yourself. Don't cop out on that. Don't run away and hide under your covers. Lean into it.

WHAT IS THE LESSON IN THIS WIND? What is this storm trying to tell you? What will you learn if you face it with courage. With full honesty and -

LEAN INTO IT.
~Pema Chodron

The irony is that I began this recipe testing email this morning with the intention of sending you the link to Santa Barbara Magazine.  My mom and sister's gingerbread houses are featured in this month's issues.  http://sbmag.com/2011/11/the-house-that-kids-built/  I had posted a link to it on my blog.  Melissa Madeline and I were looking at it together and she was helping me chose the new layout for the blog.  Then all of our family pictures popped up from Yosemite.  They made us both sad for a moment and that was when I told her I wasn't going to delete them.  I was going to leave them as they were.  And I need to add last years trip to Yosemite when the girls and I went on our own and still had a magnificent time.  If anything, I think the girls are learning to be strong women.  To find their own interests, abilities and things that make them proud of who they as individuals are.  They are learning perhaps too soon what some women learn in their 20's or 30's but they are learning the lesson.

Perhaps it does make sense to send the link to the gingerbread now.  Because the bakery was built by their grandmother, Susan Halme, and is run by she and my sister, Melissa Halme Redell.  So it is yet another example of strong women in their family who work hard following their passion and in turn that passion brings JOY to others.  

Which reminds me of another small miracle.  When I was married our stocking holders were the word N O E L.  There was one letter for each of us and then Princess had a snowflake.  This year we needed to buy new stocking holders.  I wanted to get P E A C E and just use the three middle letters.  Melissa Madeline said how about J O Y.  We looked and looked and it took us quite some searching to find the stocking holders that said J O Y.  And we were joyous when we found them.  Since then, JOY keeps coming up in amazing places.  The little miracles reminding me I have filled our little house with joy and that my girls feels joy living here.  

Sending JOY to all of you,

Maili

http://sbmag.com/2011/11/the-house-that-kids-built/

by SARAH YOUNG photographs by ELIZABETH MESSINA

The holiday spirit comes alive one sweet treat at a time.

Annabelle Murray, Margot Josefsohn, and Madeline Murray show off their work of art.

Frosting-covered fingers dove into bowls of gumdrops, and little faces were laced with cookie crumbs at Santa Ynez Valley residents Pierre and Marguerite Josefsohn’s first annual gingerbread house-making party. This kid-friendly event was inspired by a holiday trip the Josefsohns and their children took to the Solvang Bakery’s own Gingerbread Decorating Workshop. “It was such a memorable day,” said Marguerite, “we decided to make it a Christmas tradition of our own.”

The children gather around the decoration station and nibble on cookies.

Nine children—who arrived at the Josefsohns’ home with smiles and sweet cravings—were greeted by mouth-watering comfort food prepared and served by award-winning chef and owner of the Ballard Inn, Budi Kazali. The kids nibbled on lunchtime favorites such as mac-n-cheese and sipped warming hot apple cider and hot chocolate before the main activity—adorning gingerbread houses. At the center of the decorating station stood a Christmas tree covered with cookie ornaments, and draped over each chair were personalized aprons. The kids scurried to their spots, indicated by individualized house-making kits—fit with a handmade assembled house, frosting, cookie doors, windows, shutters and doormats, sugar trees, and a personalized cookie provided by Melissa Redell, co-owner of the Solvang Bakery.

Hosts Pierre and Marguerite Josefsohn.

Redell and her mother, Susan Halme, have owned the bakery since 1981 and have been creating gingerbread houses for the past 30 years. Halme sketches and designs the houses and is always coming up with new details and ideas to make them even cuter. While at this event, watching the kids decorate was the most fulfilling aspect. “Seeing the original ideas that some of the kids had—and the joy in their eyes while they decorated their very own edible creation—was my favorite part,” said Redell.

As the construction progressed, so did the spirit of the season. The house exuded cheer with red, green, and gold glittering decorations that have been collected during the years. Los Angeles florist and friend Consuelo Aceves spent days transforming the home into Santa’s workshop. Complete with holiday tunes jingling in the background, the children frosted their houses, lingered at the candy station, and tasted a little of each treat—more than 25 sweets such as red licorice, colorful Skittles, and Necco wafers for embellishing their creations. “The children seemed to eat more of the gumdrops then they used for decorating,” said Marguerite.

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: Tiago Wiesenthal bites into his cookie with ease; a basket full of colorful candy decorations; Greer Biddlecomb is all smiles at this sugary soiree; Remi Josefsohn gets ready to frost his masterpiece; a house made with love; giggles flow from Luca Wiesenthal as he delights in his personalized treat.

After the houses were complete, Redell person-alized each one with an edible nameplate and wrapped it up with a bow. By the end of the after-noon, the wee ones’ tummies were satiated. Needless to say, they were satisfied and “a new tradition was born in the Josefsohn house,” said Marguerite.

Little Leighton Hale has her eye set on a shiny ornament hanging from the bounteous Christmas tree.

Journaling Your Way to Grace

45 Days of Grace Journal

The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron

A dear friend of mine gave me the journal 45 Days of Grace. When she first gave it to me I wasn't quite ready to write in it. It has prompts for each day and I wasn't sure I wanted to write from a prompt. I usually like to write freely about what is currently circling around in my mind. So I waited a few months before I began it. Beginning it and working through it was miraculous. It is amazing the clarity you can get to through writing. So often our minds are caught up in the secondary issue or a superficial issue. Somehow with writing you can begin to peel back layers and get to the core problems which leads to depth, understanding and in the end: Grace.

The journal is divided into three sections: Mind, Body and Spirit. Here are some examples of some of the prompts:

"What conversations or continuous loops do you play over and over when your mind is filled with noise? ("My mind on the hamster wheel...")

"I'd love to learn..."

"I'm puzzled by..."

"What activates the juices of your mind..."

"I am nourished by..."

"My heart aches..."

"Wrestling with God..."

There were honestly days when I resisted writing if the prompt was perhaps too painful and I felt I was doing well that day and didn't want to dig up anything painful. But everyday that I wrote I left feeling an immense sense of peace. And on almost every page I gained some kind of insight or wisdom. Something I hadn't seen before. Something different than just me complaining of an overwhelming list of things to do. Sometimes I diverged for a minute on the page and them came back to the topic. Sometimes I had so much to write that I inserted extra blank pages to finish writing.

In the end I loved it so much that I won't finish it. I have three days left and I don't want it to be over. Isn't that crazy. I talked with my friend who also did the book and she and her sister did it together and neither of them wanted it to end either. I am going to go back and finish those last three pages and I know when I will be ready. I'm just going to make them linger--perhaps writing only one a month for the next three months.

In the meantime I have started another journal. This journal is more of The Morning Pages recommended in The Artist's Way. I was given The Artist's Way years ago and never touched it. I didn't really consider myself an artist so I didn't really think it was for me. Of course I wasn't realizing there are so many forms of art from writing to cooking to singing to painting to gardening to the traditional forms of art painting and sculpting. I feel like the book should be called Healing Your Life and Finding Happiness or Making Your Brain Come Alive or just WOW! It is an understatement to express what a positive book it is and how it gets your mind flowing with possibility and excitement. It is the Power of Positive Thinking come true and the people who have had success in their own form of art after completing it is astounding.

I could quote the entire book it is that wonderful. It helps you get to the CORE of your feelings and your potential. It eliminates the negativity/censors/judgement in your mind and even explains why some people feel "safe" in their negativity. The author first recommends skimming the book. Skipping around and reading parts of it and kind of skimming through it before actually beginning it.

So often we complain/vent about the superficial when there is something deeper underlying the way we feel. The Artist's Way actually gives you steps and tools for uncovering all sorts of emotional blocks. It truly helps you "break-through" to discover your true emotions and lead you to your greatest potential. It helps conquer fears and all sorts of things and the way she writes is as the safest most encouraging friend. So you feel safe and good while you unlock the best parts of you.

"'This marriage is not working for me,' the morning pages say. And then 'I wonder about couples therapy?' and then, 'I wonder if I'm not just bored with me.'"

"I have outgrown this job," may appear in the morning pages. At first, it is a troubling perception. Over time, it becomes a call for action and then an action plan." p.81

It truly is so hard to start picking out quotes and passages because I want to copy down the entire book. If I had to pick another favorite part it is near the end about the Sacred Circles. We tend to have this illusion that only one person can succeed. That only one person can be "the best." It is far from true. Cameron writes this so beautifully there is no point in me paraphrasing. I will just write her words:

"Success occurs in clusters. Drawing a Sacred Circle creates a sphere of safety and a center of attraction for our good.

The Sacred Circle is built on respect and trust. The image is of a garden. Each plant has its name and its place. There is no flower that cancels the need for another. Each bloom has its unique and irreplaceable beauty.

Let our gardening hands be gentle ones. Let us not root up one another's ideas before they have time to bloom. Let us bear with the process of growth, dormancy, cyclicality, fruition and reseeding. Let us never be hasty to judge, reckless in our urgency to force unnatural growth. Let there be, always, a place for the artist toddler to try, to falter, to fail, to try again. Let us remember that in nature's world every loss has meaning. The same is true for us. Turned to good use, a creative failure may be the compost that nourishes next season's creative success. Remember, we are in this for the long haul, the ripening and harvest, not the quick fix." -Julia Cameron.

I can give you thousands of examples of success and this kind of determination. From JK Rowling's 12 rejections of Harry Potter to Kathryn Stockett, author of The Help, who was rejected 60 times! (You can get the links to these stories of rejection and triumph if you click on the author's names.) JK Rowling's Commencement speech at Harvard was called The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination. The Diary of Ann Frank was in the trash pile and rescued by Judith Jones. Julia Child's cookbook was rejected 6 times. Failure, disappointment, rejection and mistakes are all a part of of life. And they are often opportunities to stretch, grow and move in a new direction.

"You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies." --JK Rowling

What I have learned from all of this in this miraculous year of growth and transformation is that we all make mistakes and we are all struggling with some kind of challenge whether large or small. Let me say that again: WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. And it is so important to forgive yourself and go forward. Sometimes I feel I'm in the movie Groundhog Day and I make the mistake again and again until I get it right. But then a lightbulb goes on when you realize what does and doesn't work in your life, in your relationships and in your daily happiness. For instance being patient and kind with your children instead of yelling at them when you are tired and frustrated is a BIG lesson for me. Maya Angelou wrote:

"what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn" -Maya Angelou

As you may be able to tell quotes and words INSPIRE me. My journals are filled with my favorite quotes. They can be a spark as well as a comfort.

You may think I'm crazy but I also have a gratitude journal. I don't write in it everyday because I often drive around thinking about what I would write in my gratitude journal and what I am thankful for. So it has the same positive effect. And my girls and I have started this practice of each saying two things we are grateful for every night. It is amazing how happy you are when you go to bed, even giddy sometimes, when you talk about the parts of your day that you are grateful for. I love hearing theirs and they love hearing mine. So if the other two journals don't seem like they would work for you then perhaps a gratitude journal is something you will enjoy.

In my journals I repeatedly came upon recurring themes; perhaps the biggest being that "Kindness Matters." The other thing that surfaced over and over again was my greatest weakness: Patience. (Patience I could write about for pages and I already wrote a blog post devoted to Patience alone.) Over and over again Patience, Compassion, Understanding, Kindness and Prayer kept surfacing. I'm a better mother, a better friend and a better person now. I can still stumble but for the most part I have this sense of Peace and Grace that I carry with me most of the time. I can feel the times when I get anxious or stressed but mostly I can pray through those and if those prayers come in the form of writing in a journal they are even more powerful. The result is a sense of calm and belief in the goodness in the world. A delight in the possibilities that exist and the Blessings we are showered with daily. Peace and Grace to all of you.

If I Were to Die Tomorrow

This poem is written by my dear friend, Mary Natwick, from her book Waking a Lover. I enjoyed the poem so very much that I wanted to share it with all of you. I particularly connected with the part about sunsets, since I am so often struck by there unbelievable beauty. They feel like such a gift; just like Mary's poem.

If I Were to Die Tomorrow

I never got to go on an African safari

or see the Northern lights

or visit Schotland and Wales, or take a ferry

up the Sognefjord in Norway to my ancestors' farm

I never got to climb Mount Everest

and that pilgrimage through Spain sounded so tempting!

--and Stonehenge--

--the Amazon River--

but it was never on my list to have so many good friends

to have such a Buddha-teacher son

to have a husband who knows me so intimately

he can even explain me to myself

it was never on my list to love little scrinchy newborn babies

no moments made my list,

like the scarlet tanager singing in the blossoming pear tree

the coyote sitting on a desert road at sunrise

laughing uncontrollably never made the list

and sunsets: tonight while driving into stunning purple and

orange swirls I said "this must be the best one ever"

even though I've seen a thousand such -- can you imagine,

a thousand spectacular sunsets!

How lucky can a person get?

If I were to die tomorrow, I would have only a few

regrets -- one of which might be that my list was

so much shallower than my life

Mary Natwick, Waking a Lover

www.spokenincense.com/

Yosemite 2011

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul." --John Muir

We just returned from our annual trip to Yosemite. I've been going since I was 7 years old and it gives me immense joy to see the delight on every child's face and being under those giant redwoods and surrounded by the enormous boulders and gorgeous waterfalls. The children riding their bikes have this sense of freedom and independence that perhaps feels like driving a car for the first time when you are 16. There is something different about riding a bike there. It is truly the ultimate playground for children topped off by a campfire every night. As an adult I'm moved by it's beauty every year.

It was a unique year this year. It was unusually cold. No bathing suits by the river and instead winter jackets, space heaters and lots of blankets in the tent cabins. Somehow in the cold I felt like I was visiting a new place. I have to be honest and say I wasn't looking forward to the cold when I saw the weather report. Camping in the cold did not sound like fun to me. Many people cancelled their reservations when they saw the weather. But there was a beauty to the cold I hadn't seen before. I hadn't seen the clouds in front of the granite walls. And because of the record snow fall this year there were waterfalls that didn't previously exist. The giant dogwoods were in full bloom instead of at the end of their season. My sister and I went on a walk and when we came back the boys were all playing hide-and-go seek among the rocks. And for all the work it is for the parents with planning, loading, driving and setting up camp, to see the kids blissfully playing reaffirms the joy is worth the effort to get there. And even though a large number of people visit the park is so large that you are still able to have moments alone. Moments in the wilderness.

For recipes and pictures from the last ten years of Yosemite trips click here.

Patience

My greatest weakness is that I am impatient. This impatience applies to so many areas of my life from cooking to relationships to just dealing with the everyday parts of life. When I have no control at all: being stuck in traffic on the freeway, waiting in a doctor's office, waiting in a long line, or sitting on a delayed plane flight, I force myself into an almost meditative positive state to get through it. Ironically, in some of the most awful times, when there is nothing I can do, I am quite patient and make the best of it. I make lemonade out of lemons. I often keep a notebook in my purse or have a book nearby and I'll take that waiting as an opportunity to read or write. When we ran out of gas one time I took some of my favorite pictures waiting for the auto club to come and help us. Same with the dead battery. My daughter and I had a nice time waiting together. Sometimes I am just still and try to notice what is around me.

However if there is the slight modicum that I might have control over "the waiting," that I personally can do something "to hurry things along" then having patience is my greatest challenge. In cooking I can't tell you how many times I didn't let the onions caramelize enough before I added the tomatoes. I was impatient to get the recipe finished and put in all the ingredients. But if I could have just waited a few more minutes than the onions would have been sweet and perfect. The acid in the tomatoes stops the onions from caramelizing so no matter how long you cook your sauce or soup you after you prematurely add the tomatoes you can't go back and fix the onions. My impatience as a cook prevented the onions from developing that sweet and delicious depth of taste. Instead they are bitter and I kick myself every time I eat the Vodka Sauce that I literally didn't take five extra minutes to wait. The same with veal stock that needs to be reduced. TIME IS THE KEY FACTOR. Let it alone and let it slowly do what it is supposed to do. The difference is either watery tasteless broth or a deep rich incredible sauce. And patience is what it takes.

I'm a doer. I like to get things done. I like to make decisions and go forward with a plan. I don't like to sit around and wait to decide what to do. I'm also used to being in charge. I was used to running large events and giving directions and getting a lot done. I accomplished so much at such a frenetic pace that it made some people's heads spin. I however felt like I wasn't accomplishing enough. I'd have 20 things on my list of things to do and would find I was lucky if I could truly accomplish three to five of those each day. There was always something "more" I could do and I impatiently wanted to do it all. And the result is that you have a feeling of "never enough." That there is never "enough time" and that you just make endless lists of "more to do."

Perhaps the greatest lesson I received of all is working with my special needs daughter homeschooling. When I'm working with her I must wait. I can't make grocery lists or clean the house to work on another project when I'm next to her. I have to just sit there and BE with her. 95% of the time she gets the right answers but I must give her the time to figure out those answers on her own. I want to give her the answers or show her a quicker way. But I have to let her do it alone. Her art is the same. She draws very slowly and meticulously but the most beautiful drawings emerge if you give her the time and space to do her art. Suddenly while I'm waiting "time" seems longer. The clock isn't spinning as quickly. Everything had to slow down so much that I was even aware of my breathing. I had to learn to be "in the moment" with her.

I know many of you who have read my recipe testing emails have noticed my typos or mistakes that were all a result of speed. I want to write as quickly as I can and hit send. Proof-reading requires patience and time and I just want to write and share. We live in such a time of instant gratification. We have fast food, we have text messages and emails. Everything is so immediate that we are so used to getting things in an instant and when we don't it is so easy to get frustrated. Interruptions and delays are all things that seem intolerable.

But I have learned how priceless patience can be. A dear friend wisely wrote to me "when you don't know what to do next: do nothing. When you don't know: be still in the moment. The 'thing to do' will present itself." Another friend told me her favorite quote is "Be still and know that I am God." That you can only hear and feel God when you are still and patient enough to listen, not rushing around in oblivion. Think of seeing and feeling the depth and beauty of nature. If we are always rushing to our next appointment or worrying about making the next phone call than we may not notice the tree in bloom next to the freeway or have the moment to take a walk and see what is all around us. Even my recent internet connection challenges, which were so frustrating at first, have been their own gift of learning the beauty and gift of patience and waiting. Think of a child's joy when the power goes so they can light candles and pretend they are camping vs the adult's frustration with the challenges of it.

Recently I've been given two incredible examples about Patience. One is from Zorba the Greek and the other is from David Anderson's book Breakfast Epiphanies entitled Hands Off: We Hatch Alone.

"I remembered one morning when I discovered a cocoon in a bark of a tree, just as a butterfly was making a hole in its case and preparing to come out. I waited awhile, but it was too long appearing and I was impatient. I bent over it and breathed on it to warm it. I warmed it as quickly as I could and the miracle began to happen before my eyes, faster than life.

The case opened, the butterfly started slowly crawling out and I shall never forget my horror when I saw how its wings were folded back and crumpled; the wretched butterfly tried with its whole trembling body to unfold them. Bending over it I tried to help it with my breath. In vain.

It needed to be hatched out patiently and the unfolding of its wings should be a gradual process in the sun. Now it was too late. My breath had forced the butterfly to appear, all crumpled, before its time. It struggled desperately and, a few seconds later, died in the palm of my hand.

The little body is, I do believe, the greatest weight I have on my conscience, for I realized today that it is a mortal sin to violate the great laws of nature. We should not hurry, we should not be impatient, but we should confidently obey the eternal rhythm." --Nikos Kazantzakis, Zorba the Greek

The second from David Anderson, called Hands Off: We Hatch Alone also requires the miracle of patience. It is the greatest gift you can give those you love whether they be child, spouse or friend.

"Last week a box of chicks were hatching in the kindergarten classroom of our day school. There was a long line of children outside the class waiting to get a peek at the eggs. So I got in line. It had been a while for me, too.

As they moved through the line, all the children had their hands clasped behind their backs. I inquired why. Teacher's orders: This is how we approach mysteries that we cannot touch. Good idea. I put my hands behind my back, too. The eggs were small and quiet in the light. One was slightly cracked, another chipped, a small shell fragment lying below. But most were perfect and still.

We watched those eggs for the next week. When one hatched, the chick was moved into a box with the other free birds. But I kept noticing the quiet eggs, the few that couldn't seem to break free. In the kitchen with a cup of coffee I asked Annette, one of the teachers, what was wrong.

'Actually,' she said, 'we're doing pretty good. Odds are, 25 percent just don't hatch. And of course,' she said, 'you can't help them do it." Remember that childhood lesson?

It's worth remembering. We talk much about our interdependence, about helping one another, and it's true--to a point. But we cannot help a single other person hatch. If the task of life is to break continually out of the shells that confine us and into freedom, that is a solitary task. Helping doesn't help.

Every child must resist officious adults. 'I want to do it myself!' The tendency of love is to do too much. We can't keep our hands off other people's struggling lives. We forget that the struggle is natural and necessary. It's painful and perilous to get into this world, and it's usually more of the same when we leave. No strife, no life. But every generation wants to spare its children the bitter struggles of its own enduring. What we now call 'the greatest generatioin' often wonders how their children and grandchildren would have been be able to endure war, Depression, rationing, universal sacrifice and hardship. The answer is simply that the 'greatest' generation determined to eliminate for its children the very difficulties that made them great. They ran resistance for their kids, they gave them money for nothing and perks for free. They got them better jobs to start and acceded to the notion that they ought to have at the beginning of their lives everything their parents had at the end. And they did it absolutely in love.

Reinhold Niebuhr said, 'I am never so dangerous as when I act in love.' Not only romantic love is blind. Every so-called love that seeks to do for others what needs--crucially--to be done by oneself is blind to its own ego needs. When I seek to help others, what need is that meeting in me? Do I need to appear stronger? If my child fails, am I afraid of how that reflects on me, on my family? If we're not asking these questions, we're dangerous in love.

In twelve-step terminology, that kind of 'love' is called enabling. It's helping someone to death. Some of us have friends or family in that extreme plight. And all of us deal daily with ordinary people who need to hatch. Our job is to coach some and cheer for progress but mostly to leave them alone. Beautiful, life-giving neglect.

It was fun watching the chicks peck, wriggle, and kick their way into this life. But then I'm not a chicken. It's much harder when one of your own is on the dark side of that shell. Then it can hurt. Then it's life and death. Then we want to reach out and help...just a little. Our hearts actually get in the way; we forget that no one can break anyone else through.

Parents cannot do it for adolescents and adult children; husbands and wives cannot do it for one another; neither can friends. We cannot stop drinking for someone else; we cannot find someone a vocation; we cannot stop (or start) eating for another; we cannot life the pall of depression or assuage the unspeakable pain of a single other person. If they are going to break into freedom, they will have to hatch themselves. We can keep the egg warm, and we must pray--but with hands folded behind our backs. For this is the only way we may approach mysteries that we cannot touch."

Patience has so many aspects to it: Patience helps us to be who we are as individuals. Patience allows others to be themselves. Patience allows "flavors to develop" in a recipe, flowers to bloom, trees to grow tall, grape juice to change into wine, children to learn to walk, and gifts to be born. Patience, while it involves waiting, miraculously allows us to be here now. It allows us to see and enjoy the gift of this moment and to appreciate the process as much as the final result.