Before I write this story I wanted to share with you something my friend Eric Pederson sent to me. Eric is a person like me with a huge heart who wants to help the world. When I went through the divorce I realized suddenly I just didn't have the personal energy or capacity to help on the level I had previously. All of my efforts and energy had to go into keeping myself strong so I could support my girls. I leaned on some dear friends who helped me through day by day and was also comforted by the kindness of strangers. In fact, I was crying in Trader Joe's a few days after we were separated and a man in the store bought me flowers. It was so kind and it gave me comfort. Recently I feel like I've been given the opportunity to "pay it forward" and help others who are going through the excruciatingly painful process of divorce. I feel like I've been able to give them hope that they will get through it and that happiness exists on the other side. And that the children will be okay. And that they will be okay. That life is somehow a series of ups and downs and that happiness is there is you look for it.
So I want to write about BALANCE. About when to give and when to say no. Because I think those are hard boundaries to make for those of us who feel they are called to help everyone. This short passage below that Eric wrote on "Compassion Fatigue" spoke volumes to me:
"You are a good person. It's a long race. You are suffering from compassion fatigue.
Of course you care about people, but has there been a time in history when people have been put under more pressure to be charitable? You go to the store to pick up a quart of milk and pass a homeless man with a sign asking for your help, then you have to pass by someone selling brownies for some charity outside the grocery store, and when you pay for your milk you are asked if you want to make a donation to MS. It's a veritable attack of the charities.
Not giving today does not mean you want the homeless man to starve, the Girl Scouts to miss their jamboree, or people to suffer from MS. It just means it is someone else's turn to give today.
You have compassion fatigue because you have been compassionate. Compassion is not measured by how much you gave, or whether you were able to, or whether you fixed their problem, but that you wanted to. That compassion, even devoid of action, is precious and must be preserved. It makes us great.
So recover. Treat yourself to a margarita, a spa day, a drive by the ocean, a ride in the mountains, a day with family, or maybe some time in your church. Recharge because you are an important part of this world, and because you deserve it.
What we must not do, however, is defend ourselves with fiction that the problems are not real, that people are not suffering, or that they somehow deserve it. Suffering happens, it is not good, and we should not feel OK seeing it.
Being human means we have compassion; but being human also means we have limits. So when you feel the fatigue, let yourself off the hook. I am here to tell you it is OK, and there is no need to rationalize not giving. Tell yourself not today, I am taking the day (or week) off. It's margarita Saturday, etc.
And when you are recharged, watch out world, your love for your fellow man can make a difference that would shame the rest of us. You are, after all, kind of amazing." --Eric Pederson
Of course you care about people, but has there been a time in history when people have been put under more pressure to be charitable? You go to the store to pick up a quart of milk and pass a homeless man with a sign asking for your help, then you have to pass by someone selling brownies for some charity outside the grocery store, and when you pay for your milk you are asked if you want to make a donation to MS. It's a veritable attack of the charities.
Not giving today does not mean you want the homeless man to starve, the Girl Scouts to miss their jamboree, or people to suffer from MS. It just means it is someone else's turn to give today.
You have compassion fatigue because you have been compassionate. Compassion is not measured by how much you gave, or whether you were able to, or whether you fixed their problem, but that you wanted to. That compassion, even devoid of action, is precious and must be preserved. It makes us great.
So recover. Treat yourself to a margarita, a spa day, a drive by the ocean, a ride in the mountains, a day with family, or maybe some time in your church. Recharge because you are an important part of this world, and because you deserve it.
What we must not do, however, is defend ourselves with fiction that the problems are not real, that people are not suffering, or that they somehow deserve it. Suffering happens, it is not good, and we should not feel OK seeing it.
Being human means we have compassion; but being human also means we have limits. So when you feel the fatigue, let yourself off the hook. I am here to tell you it is OK, and there is no need to rationalize not giving. Tell yourself not today, I am taking the day (or week) off. It's margarita Saturday, etc.
And when you are recharged, watch out world, your love for your fellow man can make a difference that would shame the rest of us. You are, after all, kind of amazing." --Eric Pederson
Recently, I've had to be very careful about what I can do and what I can't do. I'm honestly asked weekly to donate to something or participate in a fundraiser. If the girls teachers need something for school that is always a yes. I've mentioned before that the two charities I donate to regularly are Food for the Poor and the local Food Banks, since I always think feeding people is of primary importance. But there are many things I've had to say no to just because I literally don't have the time or ability to say yes.
Recently a tragedy happened in our valley that had the same need an urgency as Jeanette. It is something I had to say yes to. (For those of you who are new to this list, Jeanette was a little girl who died of bone cancer and had her leg amputated and multiple surgeries, yet was this amazing ray of positive light. No matter what horrors she endured she always made everyone around her feel wonderful. There was a time when Jeanette was in City of Hope and her aunt Rosemary was with her and Rosemary couldn't work and needed money for tires and gas and food. The necessities in life to get through the time of crisis. Strangers rose to help her and all of you helped them through that terrible time until she could go back to work and get back on her feet. It was the kind of "boost" that we all sometimes need in life.)
The new urgency is for the Basketball Coach in the valley that donated so much of his time to so many kids in the valley. His whole family and wives' family has been a part of countless fundraisers and so many events in the valley, especially soccer and basketball, that if anyone has "paid it forward" Chris has. Chris Kaping is a plumber and his wife Monique has run a daycare in their home. Chris has bone cancer and on Monday had part of his pelvis and his femur removed. He is still at City of Hope. Because he is self-employed the family's biggest need right now is paying the rent and for the essentials in life like groceries, electricity, etc. They have four children. Friends and grandparents are jumping in to help drive the kids to school and activities (his daughter Dakota is still playing on the basketball team.) The WONDERFUL news is that the doctors believe Chris will walk again. The road to recovery will be long (at least a year) but there is tremendous hope and, as Hollye would say, that is a HUGE Silver Lining!
So after finally learning to say no I realized that this is exactly what Eric meant about recharging your batteries so you would be available when it is most needed. This is exactly where I want to give my money and help. Chris and Monique and their four kids children need the money now to get through this temporary low. Their rent is $2,200 a month and that is on of the things Monique is the most concerned about. Then of course, groceries and utilities. I know the community will step up to help but I also believe there is something extraordinary about the kindness of strangers that gives you a lift beyond measure. That someone who you never gave to and whom you may never be able to repay, is giving to you. This is the kind of giving that fills me with JOY.
If you have compassion fatigue than take time to recharge your batteries, but if you are recharged and ready to give this is where any amount will make a huge difference and be appreciated beyond measure.
Donations can be made Rabobank in Santa Ynez is also putting deposits directly into the account set up for Chris. You can write ATTN: Bertha Foxen who is handling the account but either way it will get to Chris.
Rabobank
Chris Kaping Medical Fund
P. O. Box 718
Santa Ynez, CA 93460
I love the ripple effect from the chain of love. It goes on and on.
Blessings and JOY,
Maili
