Afraid to Speak

"They're certainly entitled to think that, and they're entitled to full respect for their opinions... but before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience. " ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chapter 11, spoken by the character Atticus

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chapter 11, spoken by the character Atticus

Dear Recipe Testers,

Every dream I could ever hope to have is in the process of coming true. The process and the journey are amazing and in their own way gifts of learning and knowledge in themselves. I have more than enough hobbies and interests to fill 48 hours instead of 24. Often I have to chose between many favorite things because I can't do everything at once. 99% of what I do on a day to day basis is positive: every element whether it is writing, teaching, learning, creating, celebrating or giving is a true joy!

The one "negative" thing in my life has been the library battle. It has been a long hard battle. I never imagined that it would take a year and a half of my life. I still feel guilty that while Jeanette was living I went 2 months without even visiting her because the library battle was so consuming. I remember when Rosemary called and Jeanette thought she had offended me and that I was mad at her. I still feel badly about that.

I will not write the long and complicated battle here. But I will say this: There is NO WAY I would have spent an ounce of time on the library it if the injustice wasn't so deep and wrong that it still makes me blood-boiling mad in the middle of the night. I honestly believed when i discovered the lies, that I would stand up and tell the truth and all would be solved. The library was NOT a victim of the economy. It was fraud. We have videotaped the meetings, we were denied public records requests, and we have documented all of the fraud. And yet the battle goes on.

This October was insanely busy for me both with work and with my personal life. On Tuesday, the 19 and 21st I was teaching cooking classes at our friends Tracey and Shaun Cassidy's and therefore could not go to some major library meetings. Shaun is going to be on Oprah soon and so the tv crews had to film at their house on Tuesday so the cooking classes had to postponed at the last minute. If anything, you know I need a break and that having a class postponed would be a welcome night of quiet at home. It would have been incredible to have a night off, but I took it as a sign from God that I was supposed to go to the library meetings and again speak against this injustice. I was proofreading a letter from our library justice team to the judge and the letter had me so upset again from all of the details that I was only able to get two hours of sleep because the whole thing keeps me up all night. Then I went to the meeting again and was so angered that I again stayed up most of that night tossing and turning and wondering why it is so truly hard for the truth to get out.

The next morning, exhausted, I really thought about reconsidering. The library battle takes a true toll on my health and emotions. Then I went to Katherine's school for the parent-child luncheon. (For those of you who may be confused, Melissa is homeschooled and Katherine is in public school.) I was walking by one of the classrooms and there was a poster from The Museum of Tolerance that said "The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality." Dante. It was very powerful, especially if you could see all the symbols on it that made me cry thinking of those battles previously fought. But also, since I was tired and emotionally drained and ready to give up it was just the kick I needed to remember that I can't give up.

Completely exhausted, I went to bed at 6:50 PM last night. and finally slept. I woke up just before 5:00 AM knowing that I need to go and speak again for the library tonight.

But I want to say one last thing about the positive things that have come from this battle and about the good that has occured. This letter below if from Patti. Patti is painfully shy and very very quiet. When I first met her she was in tears and said that I had to speak for her because she was afraid to speak and couldn't do it. I had many people write to me, young and old with those similar words basically thanking me for saying what they could not say and for representing them. But something extraordinary happened with Patti: after a year into the battle she found the courage to speak. I remember the first time she spoke at city council her voice was shaking so much and she was so quiet that you couldn't even understand her. Yet it was Patti who found the original lease and Patti who dug up major legal documents and Patti who kept researching and fighting. And Patti had more to lose than any of us because Patti works for the County Library system. So while all the employees were given gag orders and told what they could and could not say, Patti went against those orders and her own deep fear of speaking and spoke.

On the night of of the anniversary of Jeanette's death I was receiving text messages from the library meeting on how things were going. They wrote to me about Patti and I wrote to congratulate her and tell her how proud I was of her and below in blue is the reponse from Patti.

....I am humbled Maili; funny how things evolve...as we prod along,
someone speaks here, another does this; anger builds, while frustration
mounts; but then a breath of fresh air appears (you, Maili). A sense of
unity prevails, power is restored, communication's our perfect tool;
someone rises, who rallies another; Even big setbacks, don't diminish
our small victories. ~ But some are drowning~needing relief; some just
fade away, a few give up. Collectively, we lay low to gather steam; then
a random chain of events emerges ~ something happening over there,
crosses over here; previous actions are revisited, distant possibilities
reappear. Powerful bodies make choices. Faith is restored.
We are thankful. We have reached another level...
Indeed Maili, as you so perfectly mentioned...we are this wonderful
team, this relay team, passing the torch, continually in motion ~ May we
always remain vigilant, respectful, passionate, and accomplished. I am
genuinely grateful to all of you, for all of you.

warm hugs,

Patti

Even though we have been silenced in every possible way, I am trying to believe in my heart that somehow in the end justice will be done and the truth will be known. And no matter what the outcome of this jumbled and motley band of warriors, we all found our voices. We all did things that we didn't think we could do. And we all stood up for the truth.

Maili